Gleanings

There are a few pearls of wisdom I have gleaned either from or because of my grandma and the wisdom of her 81 years, 8 months and 19 days of life. Some them I have deduced myself from many long and varied conversations with her and some I learned by the flat of her hand or whatever was handy. Literally. So here are a few, with no particular reason or order of importance:

• Do not stomp down the hall and slam the door to the bathroom in Grandma's house. She can see through solid objects and will open her can of whoop ass right when you are naked and about to get into the tub.
• You can leave Grandma's house before daylight, be gone all day without word one to her, but if you've been fishing, by God those fish better be cleaned before you come back into the house.
• If you catch a mess of smelt from the town sewage reclamation pond and freeze them for later, don't tell Grandma. At least not after she's eaten one.
• She doesn't care if you've been skinny dipping because she did it all the time. But if you are off with that Barnett boy on the back of his snowmobile with a fifth of whiskey, you're gonna wish you hadn't. Even if you are with your best friend. And you're 13.
• Raising three wild boys and one girly girl is a rough job.
  
• Three wild boys will set a farm on fire.
• Three wild boys will chop up their sister's doll with a hatchet just for fun.
• Three wild boys will kick the crap out of anyone that messes with their sister...that includes their girlfriends.
• If you and your cousin set fire to the aerosol can pile at the dump and large exploding fireballs land in the trees in logging country, causing every firetruck in town to come out for it, Grandma will know it was you no matter how much you deny it.
• There is no golf shot that cannot be made with either a 3 wood or a putter.
• No one in their right mind should be seen without their teeth in.
• If Grandma had a hysterectomy at 29, you can forget about her feeling sympathy for you needing to buy "supplies" in a town of 500 people where everyone knows you on sight. Even if you are only 12.
• If you mow the lawn without being told, Grandma will buy you a bottle of Night Train. And then take all the heat when your mom loses her shit.
• Grandma will tell you all the way home from the bar that she has driven that road in her sleep and you really don't need to drive if you don't want to....even as she and Grandpa are strumming giant Zucchinis like guitars.
• Grandma lived a full, rich life. And nothing is better than that.
  

Unexpected Day Off

So much time....so little motivation.

I got a little surprise at 0530 today. A phone call telling me that I had been mandatorily (that's not really a word, but it works for me) low censused. Meaning, we had few patients and even after 10 years, I'm still low man on the totem pole as far as seniority on day shift goes. What can you expect when nearly everyone there has been there 20 plus years? My point here was, I didn't have to go in. This was completely fine with me because a) I'm getting a little over working there and b) I had stayed up until 2345 playing "Guitar Hero." Good times, good times.

I had many thoughts of what I could do today. Workout, clean house, organize pictures, sew, run to Good Will, take down Christmas lights, the list was endless. What I got accomplished was this: took the kids to the bus, tried to nap, worked out, showered, tried to nap, took down Christmas lights in a monsoon but did not put them away, aaaannnndddd that's about it. Oh, and I watched a movie. And tried to nap. Unfortunately, my brain never shuts down enough to actually sleep, which was a drag since I was a trifle fatigued. But I give myself kudos for not spending 8 straight hours trying to advance my career in Guitar Hero. So, I'm not a complete loser.

*snerk*

Doing some of my daily reading at Ace of Spades
and saw this totally awesome commercial from Australia.



Apparently, I'm running a special on all things vaginal, but I laughed until I almost wet 'em! How come we get commercials of mothers and daughters walking on beaches talking vaguely of "freshness," and they get comedic masterpieces of this magnitude?

Enough Already

WTF? I mean really!

I rarely drink, believe you me!

I was skulking around the beer case in Albertson's today, trying to figure out which libation SHSO'C would best like for the restocking of the fridge, when a gentleman that looked not a little like ol' Mel here walked up to me and mumbled, "Nothing looks good, but I know I might want something later." I'm not sure what his aim was in trying to tell me, and the mouse in my pocket apparently, that he wasn't a constant drinker. The disheveled hair and the bunny eyes at 1300 might be attributed to a night shift worker just waking up after a usually not restful daysleep, but the overwhelming aroma of 6 days of Old Milwaukee wafting off his person made a lie of that assumption. It wasn't until I passed the next aisle that I saw where I should have directed him.

Really, I think this may have been more to his liking and, if memory serves, there is a hell of a lot more bang for your buck with MD20/20 or Night Train than there is from swilling some half-assed beer. Even the too-too microbrews preferred around here can't get you hammered as fast or as hard as some good old fashioned rot gut. We were known to mix Boone's with moonshine...woooo doggies! Talk about a hangover of epic proportions, but the trip was worth it!

I recently received a funny email from the Kiminator with a plethora of hilarious ads from the 1940's. Hilarious and in some cases, completely freaky! Take this one, for instance:



Okay, the image sucks and is blurry so here is a link to a clearer image

Ladies, and gents who like 'em, this is an ad for a Lysol douche. Douche. Lysol. Roll that around in your melon for a minute. The ingredients in Lysol are Ethanol/SD Alcohol, Isopropyl alcohol, carbon dioxide, benzalkonium chloride, and 2-phenylphenol. Does this sound like something you want to swish around in your sensitive naughty bits? And if you're a guy, would you want to stick your naughty bits in that swamp of chemicals? I think not.

Then there is the text that says if the marriage suffers a "slow down" so to speak, the wife should look no further than her stinky whooha for the blame. If she would make sure to "safeguard her dainty feminine allure" her hubby wouldn't have to be rambling through cat houses in an effort to satisfy his urges. One of these ads reminds women that feminine hygiene is not a "now and then" endeavor but something that should be done regularly. No shit, Sherlock. Maybe if this skank practiced feminine hygiene more often she wouldn't need to listen to the quack who encourages her to swish her mucous membranes in carbolic acid. But, wait, I don't know whereof I speak as the manufacturers assure us that "gentle, non-caustic Lysol will not harm delicate tissues." WTF? This is the same crap they tout hospitals use in order to seem less like a petri dish and obtain the level of cleanliness found in the average week old bar towel. I'm thinkin' my "delicate tissues" may just protest.

Are you kidding me?

I swear, if these kids have one more snow day, I'm gonna hurt someone!