Mother of a teenager.  That should almost be a cuss word.  In fact, I may start using it as one.  Some may remember, that in FB's 5th grade year, some of the little girlies on the bus were found to be engaging in oral gratification for some of the boys.  This "in fellatio delicto" activity spawned a conversational tsunami of sexual and pharmacological rhetoric that I subjected FB to while trapped in the car on the way to see Michael, The Incredibly Gay Hairdresser.  This door having been opened, I thought perhaps I was free from revisiting the subject ( I seriously scarred him, I swear.) until the summer before he enters high school.  Which is next summer.  I may faint.  Refocusing on what I meant to write about, last night I went into FB's room to tell him it was time to ready for bed.  He was sitting at his desk, something he never does during the school year, by the way, writing something.  Something he didn't want me to see as he covered it with his hand as I walked in. Our conversation was as follows:
Me: "Hey, have you brushed your teeth and washed your face?"
FB: "Not yet." (Now moving his arm to fully cover what he was doing.)
Me: "You should get on that."
FB: "Okay." (Not moving from where he sat)
Me: (pause) "Like, now."
FB: "Okay" (Still sitting)
Me: (Backing cautiously out of his room) "Alrighty then."

I faked like I was going to my own room, and as he walked into the bathroom, ran back to his desk to see what exactly needed to be hidden from the all knowing eyes of the mommy.  I saw this: "Athena is the smartest, coolest, most beautiful..." and it left off where I had so rudely interrupted.  Now, I hardly thought he was composing an ode to the Greek goddess of war, so I assumed it was some little hussy that caught his eye.  I kid. (No.  Really I don't.  Any girl that catches his eye is assumed to be a hussy until proven otherwise.  Demon women!) So, as I went in to say good night I subtly questioned him regarding Athena.  And by subtly, I mean I sat on his bed and asked, "So, who's Athena?"  I am smooth.  After I discovered she was his friend from school (and actually in his grade and not some 15 year old from the Boys and Girls Club...yes, that has happened) my hackles relaxed enough to ask if he liked her.  Once we established he did, I reiterated my whole sex/love/responsibility talk but I added a new sidebar: "Bitches Lie." (And yes, I used that phrasing.  Don't worry; he couldn't believe it either.)  I informed FB that there are good girls/women who won't lie and manipulate, but there are a lot of them, i.e. "bitches," who will.  Then we had a little association game.  "I have a condom for you, don't worry."  Absolutely NOT!  Use your own, make sure the package isn't damaged and it's not expired.  "I've never done this before." Lie.  "I'm on birth control; we don't need a condom."  Big lie.  "I'm clean; you're safe."  Liiiiiiaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr!  I informed him my job is to keep him safe, he, meanwhile, has three jobs.  Stay true to himself, be safe, not make me a grandmother.  That's it!  That's all it takes!  Our next topic for "how badly can I scar my kid before his 18th birthday" is "don't stick your dick in crazy."  Thanks to Shelley V for the topic!