03 March 2011

The Cat From Hell has become extremely loving and sociable. After 11 years of his tyranny, I can't tell if he is on his way to The Happy Hunting Grounds or if he has finally made the decision to slay us in our beds in the dark of night.

Last week, when the kids were on Mid-winter Break, yet another excuse for teachers in our district to have a week off (and yes, Spring Break will be coming up in a couple of weeks, the kids and I went to Michael The Extremely Gay Hairdresser to get coiffed. Michael decided that we needed to start trending my hair into a blonde, chunky bob. And so he has started the gradual transition. The First Born only gets the very tippy ends of his hair trimmed, to maintain the cool teenage long hair look (heaving a sigh of relief that Justin Bieber has now shorn his famous locks) and the Spawn of Satan likes his hair military short, so, in his words, to avoid the need to scrub a lot to get his hair clean. This also precludes the need to comb, style, or really, manage his hair in anyway whatsoever. I am fine with SoS's hairstyle choices because he looks cute with his hair like that and if it gets too long he starts hacking into it with a pair of scissors. So Michael cut his hair to his specifications; not bootcamp shorn, but short enough to not cause any problems. I had this Monday and Tuesday off and worked Wednesday. SoS came to say goodnight Wednesday night while I was brushing my teeth and, as I leaned over to kiss him goodnight, I noticed some light colored spots on his head. Upon closer inspection, I realized that he had cut his hair to the scalp for a major part of the top of his head. Had this been the first time this had happened I would have handled this situation with some sort of decorum and calm. As this was the third time, in a year, I sort of, um, lost my shit, shall we say.
I yelled about how I had paid good money for a haircut just last week and why did I bother if he was just going to hack into his hair, why did he hack into his hair, he looks like an idiot, did he really want his friends to make fun of him because they will, I should just shave his head if this is what he was going to do and WHAT WAS HE THINKING?!? He in turn was bawling, he didn't know why he did it, he didn't want his head shaved and so on, so on, so on. There was a pile of hair on the bathroom floor, in the garbage and, for some reason, all over the toilet. I stomped downstairs and got the clippers, stomped back upstairs and bent his head backwards over the sink while I shaved him. The clippers need to be sharpened and they caught on his hair, pulling his head back as I went along his scalp. With every pull SoS exclaimed, "Ow! Why does it hurt?" I pointed out that if he had left well enough alone, he would be pain free and in bed by now. Because of the havoc he wreaked, I had to shave his hair down to the point where he no longer looked as if he were suffering from a bad case of mange. Which, is to the scalp. Meanwhile the First Born is taking a shower behind us and out of the corner of my eye I see him get out of the shower, dry off, and, without making eye contact, slink into his bedroom to get dressed. He then came out, brushed his teeth, said goodnight, and went straight to bed without our usual conversation about not reading in bed after I have declared lights out. He was just trying to avoid being caught in any crossfire, I'm sure. Mama was lit and he was toeing the line to avoid my notice. SoS got into the shower to rinse the hair off, got out and tried to explain his position. Unfortunately for him, I wanted to part of any words coming out of his mouth, dried him off in a manner that may have removed skin and then made him find his scissors while I stood there and continued to vent my spleen. This is when I noticed the piles of hair in the bedroom as well. Personally, I think my children will require therapy at some point in their lives. The only question is how soon and on whose insurance.

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