19 October 2009

She Must Know About Contractual Tuesdays

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SoS started coughing on Saturday. Uh-oh, I thought, here comes the croup. He gets it nearly every year and since we have had monsoon like rain and wind the past few days, I was sure that he would be coming down with something. I started plying him with Emergen C, herbal wellsness drops, a stew made from eye of newt, anything I could get my hands on to stave off the feeling of impending doom that penetrated my psyche. We went to drop FB off at the youngest brother-in-law's because both the BILs were going to take him to a Seachicken's game. The oldest brother-in-law told me he would take SoS when he (the BIL) could get a prescription for Quaalude. No sense of adventure, that one. So I was upstairs on the laptop, conversing with the Nav's wife and experiencing all manner of jocularity, when I realized I hadn't heard from SoS in awhile. He must have fallen asleep; after all it was 2230. I go downstairs in time to see SoS get off the couch and announce, "Mom, I throwed up." Yeah, you did! How many seconds on dinner did you sneak when I wasn't looking? And it was chesseburger mac. Thank Zeus for leather couches. His body was the color of a Valentine's candy heart box and I started making bets with myself as to how high his fever actually was while SoS stood there barking like a sea lion. Yeppers, 101.4. I threw him in the shower, dosed him with ibuprofen and Delsym, slathered his chest and back in enough Vick's to clear the sinuses of a dedicated coke abuser, and pulled out the humidifier, all the while praying that I wasn't going to end up in the ED. (Been there; SoS had full on stridor and I had a fool MD tell me, after a steroid nebulizer, that if it happened again to bring him in, but have someone else drive because I would need to manage his airway. The look of death I gave him caused him to add "Or call 911." Ya think?) I then settled in for the night with a serious case of "mother's ear." Slept....not well. The next day I called my mom to tell her and let her know that we couldn't use the tickets she bought for us for the film festival. "Does he have the flu?" No, he has croup and only threw up from eating too much and coughing too hard. "Does he have any other symptoms?" A headache, but he's been coughing and he's stuffy. "Are you sure he doesn't have the flu?" Yes, I'm sure he doesn't have the flu. "Well...I hope he doesn't have the flu." For the love of God woman, I'm a NURSE!! It's under control! He spent yesterday listless and snarfy and continued to run a fever of 100-101. I called in sick for today, because I had no idea how he would be; plus daycare is off limits until they have been fever free for 24 hours. He had a normal temp before bed last night and was completely normal in everyway today. Enough to drive you crazy normal. No dude, you cannot go outside and play in shorts and barefeet. Because it's Fall, it's cold, and you've been sick, that's why. Back to school tomorrow. Then watch, the big one will fall ill. Little germ factories.

Today, since I was not at work, I decided to do a few things around the house that I've been putting off. Like soaking my showerhead in CLR. I have one of those huge shower heads that is supposed to give you the illusion of being in a warm spring rain. I am on a well. Full of minerals. My water is so hard, you could support masonry with it. So, instead of a warm spring rain, standing in my shower was like being spat upon by epileptic squirrels. A little soaking, a little rubbing, and a little reaming out of the little holes with a safety pin and we are back to our gentle spring shower.

How happy am I? It is the season for Monster Cereals (BooBerry, FrankenBerry, and Count Chocula), it's the return of Peeps, and hot buttered rum batter! Woohoo!

This is a S'more that I made with a ghost shaped Peep.  Except I forgot the chocolate bar.  Oh, well, it was damn tasty anyway.  Speaking of failed experiments:  I decided the kids and I were going to make a salt crystal garden.  You know the kind made with laundry bluing, salt, ammonia, etc.?  Very pretty and will peel your wallpaper off the walls from the smell?  Yeah, I'm not sure what went wrong, but I remember the crystalline structure growing up.  This is what ours did:

See, that mess isn't spillage from being moved; the stupid things grew that way.  And it was extremely powdery.  Either my memory is faulty, or we screwed this up big time.  I wonder if it's because I used sea-salt instead of good, old fashioned iodized don't-get-a-goiter table salt.  I may have to try this experiment again.

New funnies I found:

Click on to embiggen

Rights are rights

 Look carefully at this one.  There is the obvious, "My eyes!  My eyes!"  and then there is the not so obvious, "Someone in this picture agrees with you."

Cover that shit up!

17 October 2009

Sounds Like a Bunch of Nurses. Okay, Just Me.

 I brazenly ripped this off from Commander Salamander.  And I did it shamelessly. Cuz it's funny. And that makes it ok.

From: Executive Officer
To: All Chief Petty Officers


1. It has been brought to the Executive Officer's attention that some Chief Petty Officers throughout the command have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their Division Officers.

2. Due to complaints received from some Division Officers who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with Officers.

3. Therefore, the following list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided from the wardroom so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f^ck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f^cking way.

TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh1tting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh1t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f^cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f^ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh1t won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the h3ll didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a55.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh1t and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a55.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: f^ck it, I'm going to the Chief's Club.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a55.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job s^cks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the h3ll died and made you boss?


TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a f^cking prick.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f^ck you're doing.

Thank You for your assistance in this matter, with a little work we can all communicate with each other more effectively.


14 October 2009

Because I'm a Horny Old Woman Just Like Meredith

Well, not just like Meredith who is a freaking nightmare embarrassment to older women who like younger men everywhere:

Meredith Vieira Hits on a Naval Officer - Watch more Funny Videos

Good Lord Mer, are you gonna go down on him right there?  I will agree he is nice looking.  And speaking of unattainable nice looking men, here's an old crush from the past

Not too shabby, eh?  You should see him in a kilt.  I dunno, I just have something about a man in full Highland dress.  Like this one:

Not my clan, not even my age range, but day-um!  He still looks good!  Excuse me while I go buy more batteries.

13 October 2009

Awesome patient.  Came in for preterm labor which was induced by her being hot for coke, meth and pot.  She wanted to make sure the tribe was the social services that took the baby because they had all her other kids (5 of them...she's in her early 20s, by the way), and she wanted to make sure the baby stayed in the family.  After her sleeping phase, she predictably followed with her eating phase, which was followed by the oh, so popular, complete bitch from hell phase.  (This is when the jones gets ugly).  "I want out of here; I have things to DO!"  Yeah?  Like an 8 ball of meth?  And this, my friends, is why I suffer from compassion exhaustion.  By the way, our little corner of the Pac Northwest already has 179 confirmed cases of the Piggy.  If you haven't already done so, get your freaking flu shots; seasonal now, Pig when it comes available....yeah, I'm talkin' to you!  And Peedee, one hopes you got a massive dose of Tamiflu because of your fellow cube dweller. 

12 October 2009

Sos cracked me up today. First, he came home from school talking about Columbus. He started singing this song (to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb):
Columbus sailed the ocean blue,
Ocean blue,
Ocean blue,
Columbus sailed the ocean blue,
In Fourteen Hundred Ninety-Two.

He also listed off the ships Columbus used: "the Nina, the Santa Maria and the Pinto."  Yeah?  Does the Pinto explode if you run into it from behind?
He then told me that FB didn't start out smart, but that he had to get his dendrites coated. I can only assume he's talking about a myelin sheath.

Once again feeling restless and bored, which is dangerous because it usually leads to me putting things on or in my skin.

I had a great pair of Z-Coil shoes for work (yes, I know they make me look special needs), and they were wonderful for relieving my back and leg pain.  Unfortunately, I was constantly catching my coils in the cables on the epidural cart, not to mention, after 3 years hard work, they were starting to look a bit dodgy.  Worn, splatters of miscellaneous bodily fluids, the base of the coils breaking off and flapping in the wind, you know.  I had seen these shoes called Masai walking shoes that simulate walking on soft ground/sand.  They purport to relieve back pain, straighten your posture, MIRACLE CURE!!  They were also muy expensive and I'm basically a cheap bastard, so I didn't want to cough up the dough.  This is the same theory I used for not wanting to buy a $500  Dyson, cuz I wasn't payin' that much for a vacuum.  And then I bought a $1500 Kirby instead.  I know.  Anyway, Sketchers now has a shoe that is basically the same as the Masai walker...although these claim to help you lose weight, tone up....whatever.  When I bought my new shoes (which so far, have worked out fine) the chickiepoo behind the counter told me she loved hers; they tone your butt and make your legs look great.  Now, this girl was probably pushing 300 pounds, and I know I sound like a bitch, but if she's noticed a difference in the muscle tone of her butt, these are major miracle shoes.  They she tells me to make sure to watch the DVD.  (Yes, they come with a how-to DVD ) My thought was, "Ya know, I've been walking for awhile now; I'm pretty sure I can handle it."

Next day off....encore viewing of ZOMBIELAND!!!

Snicker for the Day

 I thiefed this from TYWKIWDBI. It's only 60 seconds, so watch to the end.

10 October 2009

I hurt myself doing chair dips about 3 months ago and, being the nurse I am, actually went to a doctor to see what the hell was the matter about a week ago.  After some some range of motion experiments and a few x-rays the nurse practitioner decided I needed some home physical therapy exercises and, if those didn't work, we could go to real PT.  Yeah, like that's going to happen.  Those people are evil.  So, I tried the home PT (for about a day) and decided that wasn't going to work.  What I needed, I thought, was those things!  You know, those things, those....whackity balls!  I spent an entire day at work going, "What are those whackity balls?  You know, it has a wooden handle, a flexible metal neck, and a ball at the end and you go whacity, whackity, whackity with them and it makes your muscles feel better?"  No one had a clue what I was talking about.  "Google it!" they said.  Yeah, not Googling whackity balls at work.  "Google 'massage balls'"  Oh, even better.  Then I can get a search return and have Ben-Wa balls show up and a second later the Surf Control Assassination Squad will have me zip tied to a chair with a halogen interrogation light focused on my retinas.  "How about 'massage tools'?"  Are you people trying to get me fired???  I finally cornered our Clinical Nurse Manager (don't call me an Educator; I am Master's trained!  whatever.), and she knew immediately what I was talking about.  Like me on the scent of an apple fritter, she did not give up until she found what I was looking for.

They are called "Bongers" and now I'm really glad I didn't Google them at work.  I got called in at 0400 this morning and had the opportunity to work with my old night shift crew.  I showed them all my brand new Bongers and my Favorite Lesbian said, "Come bang me."  I told her I couldn't because I didn't play for her team, but I would smack the hell out of her back with them.

Here's a question:  is it possible that people absorb semen after sex until they're pregnant when, suddenly, it comes back out and they think their water is broken?  Come on!  You've never noticed this phenomenon until now?  And honey, you are a cute little 20 year old first time mom, but I already know you have sex; no need to have a freak out because your husband told me that you had it this morning.  I'm just saying.

Found some fun pictures while I was bored earlier:
Wow.  A poster than captures my essence

 Save the kittens, kids.  Hands off!

 Adolph Kitler

Bwaaahahahaha!  But, how do you

explain the guys on the end?

08 October 2009

Who's A Happy Girl???!

FINALLY saw Zombieland today.  And all I can saw was IT. WAS. AWESOME!  So hilarious that I even snorted.  Which caused the guy in the row behind me to laugh hysterically at me.  It's my pleasure to bring some joy into someone's life.  I think I may love Woody Harrelson again; and that's not easy for me to do.  Ahhh, can you not love a film that has Metallica, Van Halen, and Willy Nelson in the soundtrack as well as the main character having an overwhelming fear of clowns?  I submit you cannot.  Go see it.  Go see it now.  Then purchase the DVD when it comes out for more zombie pleasure.  Ooooo! Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland double feature....my nippies just got hard!

Couple of favorite quotes:

"God bless Rednecks!"
"You are a giant fucking cock block from some secret government agency."

06 October 2009

Wow. Just...wow. And not in a good way.

Holy crap, the world is full of strange and unusual people.


Had a return of one of my favorite type of patient today. The "I'm allergic to most narcotics but only if they are legally obtained. I'm gonna pee hot for narcs I don't have prescriptions for and throw in some benzodiazepines while I'm at it." woot.

05 October 2009

One More Thing

Why are they fucking with my childhood memories by remaking The Stepfather? Terry O'Quinn scared the holy shi'ite out of me in 1987 and I hardly think some plastic surgeon is going to do the same
Apparently, I'm up too late; the dog just got up from my bedroom floor and is laying in my bathroom where it is dark and quiet. Either that or he doesn't like Carlos Mencia.

This is a song I stole from LT (now Captain)G before someone made him shut down his blog. Stay well boys and girls; sleep tight.

My chidren suffer from "half-assed-ness", which I, having been raised by a civil engineer, find infuriating. My dad's view is black is black, white is white, and a job worth doing is worth doing right the first time. Why do it more than once if you don't have to? My children take after their father, God bless him, who, if it didn't involve spreadsheets, was the most half assed person on the planet. He once put up a big toy (now replaced thank Hera) that did not have a plumb line on it. It looked like something that belonged in the World of Seuss! The children looked like drunken sailors everytime they got on it. I told FB to vacuum the floor, specifically mentioning how to vacuum and that he should pick items up off the floor instead of mowing them over. I heard the vacuum sound as if there was something stuck in the roller, heard FB turn it off, turn it back on, turn it off, turn it back on..."WHAT are you doing??" "There is something stuck in here." "Did you vacuum something up that you shouldn't have?" "No." I took the front off the vacuum, unlocked the belt and. lo and behold, wrapped around the belt spindle was a dress sock. A once brand-new, never been worn, and now completely useless dress sock.

SoS this morning came downstairs ready for school dressed in shorts. "Dude, 50 degrees equals no more shorts at school, go put on pants." He comes back downstairs, in pants, and says, "Mom, these are the pants with the zipper that fell off." Then why are you wearing them??

While I'm helping SoS with his homework I tell FB to go do his 30 minutes of reading. 10 minutes later he comes downstairs to ask if he can go on the computer. "You didn't read for 30 minutes; get back up there." I go upstairs about 5 minutes later and his radio is on, lights are off, and he is laying on the bed singing to himself. Well, okay, now you have 30 minutes of reading and no computer; howz them apples?
I'm almost sure they are in cahoots to drive me out of my ever lovin' mind.

Nursing Humor

I don't have any good stories these days because I am working with a resident and I'm making her do everything while I supervise. Hey, it's like a government job; only without the near impossibility of termination. Anyway, so I'm stealing something from a friend of mine. A patient came in the other day for a c-section and she had a tattoo on her abdomen, above her mons that said, "Kumonme." Break it down to three words. Then she had "69" and "Bang Me Daddy" on her back. We decided that was for her baby daddy if he got confused and needed directions he could just flip her back and forth.
Salt soaks are beneficial for a great many ailments. Epsom salt soaks ease tired, achy muscles, saline swishes can relieve irritated gums, the list goes on and on. Just make sure said salt soaks are moderate in temperature. "Boiling hot lava" does more damage than good I'm afraid, and makes you look like a great fool hopping around the house. :)

01 October 2009

Okay, This State Is Out of It's Minds; But Someone Has A Sense of Humor


In related news; I work tomorrow so I can't see Zombieland until next week. I'm devastated.  I could get a babysitter this weekend, but I don't want to spend the money.  Not on the babysitter; the $10.50 for a full price movie.  Maybe for Gran Torino but there aren't many other movies I'd pay that much for.   Although, on second thought, Zombieland would be one of them!  Waaaaahhhhhh!