30 September 2009

HOLY SHI'ITE!

owie owie owie owie ow!  And ow again.
 The Kikanator has found his true calling as a Sith Lord.  That's quite a glowy eyed stare there.


"Perhaps you feel you're being treated unfairly....?


Quite a difference from Mr. Happy Face here.




Before bed I said to SoS, "Hey, your underwear is inside out."  He responded in a laconic manner, "Yeeeaaahhh, FB kept telling me that."  And you didn't change them beeeecaaauuuusseee........forget it; go to bed.  Kids.


Growing up,I always had a crush on Donny Osmond. Which was re-ignighted when I first saw him in Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Mainly cuz he buffed up and looked hot in that wig. But there is his gorgeous voice to consider as well. Especially that crescendo at the end.

29 September 2009

That's Right! If You Can't Dazzle 'Em With Brilliance, Baffle 'Em With Bullshit!

Of, course, I think this is brilliance anyway. Reminds me of something my highschool team would have done

27 September 2009

NSFW Language, But Funny.

Especially if you've seen this movie or love Nicholson, De Niro, Pesci and Beaker!!

A Few Thoughts



He would have been 51 today. Four years and 12 days ago I was at work and got the phone call. On my rush home on darkened, deserted streets I didn't think about how I had just abandoned my patients with a yell over my shoulder to call another charge nurse to cover and another yell that, no I didn't need someone to drive me. I was thinking of how I left that day. I was impatient and short tempered. I was running late for work, the kids were fighting, I was trying to get everything situated for the night for our nephew Michael who watched Steve and the boys for me while I was at work. A large job for a 19 year old boy. I remember that Steve couldn't figure out how to turn the spoon over so he could eat and I had to feed him. This was a new and distressing development in his decline. I remember thinking, "Oh, shit. This isn't going to be too much longer." I didn't think it would be that day. I remember everything about that day so clearly, except the one thing that was most important. I was so hurried and so harried, I don't remember if I said "I love you." I said I'd see them in the morning, but did I look him in the eyes and tell him I loved him? I don't know. I know he knew, but it's something he needed to hear and I needed to say. Because I wouldn't be able to much longer. I wish I knew if I said it. So from that point on, I decided that I would say it to everyone I loved. My kids, my parents, those who hold the keys to my heart. If you feel it, say it, even if they don't feel it back. Unrequited love is okay, you know. At least you'll never have to regret a lost chance and they will know, no matter what else happens in their lives, there is someone who loves them. And that's important for everyone.

(I debated on this picture with the boys or the one where he's flipping me off on our honeymoon.  I was always "number one" to him!)

La la la la la la boom-de-ahdah-boom-de-ahdah

I stole this from Jennifer Crusie at Argh Ink and I loved it. Yeah, I like romance novels...bite me. I've also read more 800 page novels by dead white guys that anyone should have to. I'm eclectic dammit!



I also love the Discovery Channel. Especially when they blow stuff up. Perhaps I should have been a dude.

I love Europe

Mainly because of shit like this.

And to think he kept it up during his interrogation with the police. That is dedication and concentration!

26 September 2009

Arrr, this be the right name!

My pirate name is:
Mad Anne Read

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Even through many pirates have a reputation for not being the brightest souls on earth, you defy the sterotypes. You've got taste and education. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

25 September 2009

I'm thinking about a Monroe.  Perhaps someone should talk me down from this one.
On Thursday I took FB to the dentist to get a filling and to pull the tooth with a hole in it the size of the Crater Lake caldera. This is what happens when your mother SUCKS and can't get you in to the dentist in a expeditious manner. At least it was a baby tooth; if it were a permanent tooth we would probably be looking at a root canal. So, what did we do to celebrate? I took the kids to the fair for a sugar filled fun ride!  First I had to dodge the inquisitional squad at the school.

Me:  "Hi, this is FB and SoS's mom; they are going to be out for the whole day today."

School Nazi:  "Oh, okay.  Are they both sick?"

Me:  "Nope."

School Nazi:  *crickets*  "So, they're not sick?"

Me:  "Nope."  *click*  HA!  I don't have to tell you why they're out..they're MY kids you COW!

*ahem*  Back to our regularly scheduled program.  We drove to the fairgrounds, sneaking through the back way to avoid the one way street at the front entrance and the arbitrarily closed streets that are guarenteed to make you pull out your hair before you even hit the gates.  Then I laid down 10 bucks to park.  Okay.  THAT went up.  Next year we are taking the bus.  Entrance fee: $25 with a twofer ticket given to us by a nice senior couple at the gate and then $35 for lunch.  So, down $70 bucks and we haven't even done anything yet.  w00t!  However, the lunch tab is well worth it cuz it was time for a Meyer's burger!  Only two kinds of food can you eat at the fair Meyer's burgers or Longhorn BBQ, and since we ate the BBQ at the Spring Fair, it was time for the burger!



I realize it doesn't look like much....and to tell the truth it isn't. But it's an overpriced FAIRBURGER!!! How can you resist?? FB and SoS certainly couldn't.





Hamburger patty, cheese slice, grilled onions=heaven.

We then went to the ride ticket kiosk and bought the world famous Dizzy Pass! So named because you ride all the rides you want, all the times you want until you are dizzy and hungover. Which was pricey, but well worth the price since 15 ride tickets cost 20 bucks and all the rides they wanted to ride were 5-6 tickets each. Yikes. Now, in my youth, I would have KILLED for such a thing as a Dizzy Pass, back when I could ride all those spinny, twisty, droppy rides. Now my equilibrium is screwed up and I'm puking after the first one. Give me rollercoasters and I can ride those all day long. Or even rides like Disney's Tower of Terror; no sweat! Just don't spin me in circles like you're trying to centrifuge my hematocrit and I'll be happy.

This year the fair also had this:

I know it's hard to tell, but that would be a giant sized, inflatable Weird Al Yankovic.  There was an exhibit about brains featuring Weird Al's brain where he had a fantastic song about dendrites, synaptic gaps, and differing lobes of the brain.  We also learned the reason that zombies like brains so much, is because it may taste like chicken!  Awesome!

While the kids made themselves silly(er) on rides, I engaged in my favorite pastime of people watching and snarky self reflection of the examples I see.  I saw an awesome rat tail on a nearly bald man, a kid with an 'fro-hawk, a couple in matching circa 1970 football coach short-shorts, but sadly, no left jug tats.  Which is surprising, considering the plethora of which were on display last year.  I did overhear this coversation which was fantastic

Anonymous Fair Worker #1 :  "Well, it is a good way to spend...."
Anonymouse Fair Worker#2  "Unemployment?"

Hee.  I have no idea if they were speaking of the cross-section of humanity they had seen in the last 2 weeks, but after dealing with my client base the last 10 years, I'm gonna go with yes.

All good things must come to an end, and I can only handle 4 hours of walking through crowds of people and being freaked out by carnies.  But no fair experience is complete with out the coup de grace:  the Elephant Ear!


Hot, deep fried honey dough, spread with a butter-like substance and liberally covered with cinnamon and sugar.  Holy crap!  Most awesome.  It took the three of about 3 seconds to reduce this to a grease stained paper towel with a smattering of crystalline goodness.

21 September 2009

I love Christopher Walken and this guy nails him perfectly! 

bwahahahahaa!


My life is a big, fat cosmic joke of late. I can hear the fates chuckling evilly and plotting new and exorbitant twists of fortune. As it happens, I am Gumby, philosophically speaking.

Found a new book called Classic Literature Signs on to Facebook with such status updates as "Ophelia joined the group Maidens That Don't Float" and "Lady Macbeth could use a good stain remover." HA! Why do people fart in stairwells? Especially if they can hear the door opening one floor above them? Is it an altruistic effort to keep one's co-worker's sinuses clear? Or perhaps a new form of anti viral in this cold and flu season?

I want to wrap my hands around my children's necks and squuuuueeeeeeezzzzzeeee until their little eyes bug out of their sockets. Or at least get the oldest one to stop lurking like an overgrown garden gnome, not announcing his presence in the dark of night, while I wait for the spin cycle to finish. And then act as though I was the perpetrator when I scream like a fishwife.

Got my flu shot today, which I was planning on getting anyway, but would have been press ganged into by my employer overlords. The choices being get jabbed or wear a mask during all patient care for the next 6-8 months. They marked each of us with a red badge tag like we're in a gulag, making it easier to distinguish the protected from the unclean. My arm hurts like a sumbitch, due I'm sure to my delicate flower constitution; but Bill and the Nav both have to suffer through a series of Anthrax innoculations, making me a complete candy ass for complaining so I'll just shut the hell up now.

What's with the chick in Costco examining each and every egg out of a dozen and a half for any infinitesimal flaw like she had Steve Austin's bionic eye complete with cross hairs, and then replacing all flawed eggs with eggs from a separate container, equally well examined until she had 18 whole and perfect eggs. What the hell lady, I just want some eggs and milk. Open the carton, give a quick look and, barring any huge breaches in the integrity of the shells, move the fuck on. WHat was with the cross hair in Steve Austin's eye anyway? As far as I can tell, he was never lining up a shot; wouldn't it just be a distraction? Or did it just help to judge distance. And how come Jaime Sommers couldn't hear shit unless she pulled her hair away from her bionic ear? Was her hair that thick and luxurious? I'm just sayin'.

20 September 2009

Today at church I noticed we'd had sort of a baby boom (not surprising since I've been in the trenches of that baby boom, so to speak) and I noticed that one of the babies looked EXACTLY like Hugo Chavez!  I about fell off my chair!
He specifically looked like this picture of Chavez:


Would you want to breastfeed that face? That's a mother's love for ya there, boy.

19 September 2009

Oh, To Be Young Again

(910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

13 September 2009

Okay, I did something original

This was the project I was supposed to start and finish on Labor Day weekend.  I actually started it on Labor Day and it's still not finished.  Well, it's mostly finished; just the touch up work left.  As FB is in 5th grade he was getting a little tense about his room still being a full on Spongebob extravaganza.  So being the (certifiably insane) mom I am, I agreed that we could change his room to whatever color scheme he desired.  His desire turned out to be Seahawks colors.  Ooookaaaay.  We trooped over to Home Depot and bought the required, and as luck would have it, licensed colors, and I prepared to embark on my newest expression of creativity.  First, the ceiling would have to be primered because it was Pineapple Purple.  (Yes, I know, pineapples aren't purple, but I think that the Spongebob paint was trying to teach young children alliteration.)  So, I had to use a grey primer as a base coat for the oh, so BRIGHT Seahawk Green.  It took two coats to cover the purple and then two more coats of the green to cover the primer.  As the paint continuously fell off the roller and into my left eye, I couldn't help but think that couldn't be good for my Lasik surgery, even if it was four years ago.

I'm a less than clean painter.  In fact, I don't have any idea how people can paint and not get any on them.  I end up looking like a Jackson Pollack painting.  Because I am horribly messy, I tend to paint only in one of the two designated oversized paint shirts and underwear; thus saving myself the aggravation of getting paint on good clothes and $50 dollar bras. 

You will notice that the Seahawks colors, excluding the green, are very close in hue.  Although in these pictures, the colors actually do look different.  In FBs room, you have to get your nose on the wall to notice the difference.  His room already had horizontal stripes and I just planned on painting over them.  As I was taping up the dark stripes (and already dreading the pain in the ass this was going to be) I realized these colors were so close, that no one would be able to tell when one started and the other ended.  Then I stepped back and realized that if I imagined the tape to be white stripes; that might look cool.  I started painting the darkest of the blue and ended up dumping a quarter of a gallon of this paint on his carpet.  His tan carpet.  Good thing the kids were sleeping or their vocabularies would have expanded exponentially.  So, 2 am found me Googling "how to get latex paint out of carpet."  Apparently, Simple Green and Acetone are the favorite choices.  Simple Green may be one of my new favorite cleaners.  My other favorite being Greased Lightening.  Far out; one is non-toxic and one is probably classified as a carcinogen.  Best of both worlds.

The freaking white stripes took two hours to primer and two hours to paint white.  And since I was too lazy to to go downstairs to get the white primer, I used the grey primer.  Which resulted in me needing to put two coats on the stripes for a total of 6 fun filled striping hours.  I was also wearing a thong while I painted the stripes and ended up sitting on the paint lid resulting in a big white circle on my big white ass.

I should have completed the touch up before putting his room back together, but I couldn't face another night of the boys staying in SoS's room on the bunkbeds and wrestling and giggling half the night while I bang on the walls and yell from the next room.  That and the fact that all his stuff was a big pile of ass (thanks for that phrase; it's one of my new faves) on the second floor landing for over a week.  They needed a map and a Sherpa to find their way to the bathroom. So, in 7 years I have painted 2 of the 3 bathrooms, the kids' rooms (FB's twice), the family room and kitchen and that's it.  Never let it be said I rush into interior design.   I've also informed FB that that is the absolute last time I am painting his room.  Ever.

Apparently I have nothing Original today

Stolen from Parkway Rest Stop.
Watch the language.


I Stole This From Outlaw 13's Place

Click on the link to see a cool Craig Ferguson be even cooler. And then hang around Outlaw 13's place and bask in the fun. Or go to his other place, Threedonia, where he seems to spend more time since he went to Iraq. Again. For the third time.

Guidons, Guidons, Guidons!: Craig Ferguson on 9/11/09

04 September 2009

Careful On This Long Weekend

Cuz you don't want to end up dancing like this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOIJtS4gbaY

And no one wants that.  Let's try to keep that dignity intact peeps!

02 September 2009

Things I Did Today

Here is the 1st grader and the 5th grader.  Dressed head to toe in SouthPole douche wear, courtesy of Grandma.  Mama won't buy it because she thinks it's, well.....douchey.  But they're still pretty damn cute.  And yes, it was cold enough to require a jacket this morning.   It's FB's last year of elementary school.  Not sure what to think of that.  SoS had a good day and likes his teacher.  Which is nice, since on Meet the Teacher Day, a full week before school started, three employees of the school stopped my youngest and commented on how they hoped he could control himself this year.  Or words to that effect.  Wow.  Hate to start off with a clean slate there, slick.  I'm taking bets on how long it takes this year for them to mention the "R" word.  Too bad I'm no closer to medicating my kid this year than I was last year.  So, bring it on, muthafucka!


Since I had a quiet house and 25 pounds of moldering peaches, this is what I did today. 

That's 5 pints of peach jam and 6 quarts of canned peaches.  There would have been more, but I saved some for eating and some had to go to the big orchard in the sky.  It was a mournful day for all.  I also went and spent some serious bank on items to keep me from killing my cat.  Brand new type of litter, lavender aromatherapy for the litter, retraining aid called "Dumb Cat." (best.name.ever.) and some woo-woo aromatherapy crap that my vet once tried to talk me into, I scoffed at, and now I'm eating crow and buying because I am at my wit's end.  Next it's a dirt nap.  See how pissed off he gets then.  Great.  Like I need a pissed off kitty ghost haunting me.

Just In Case You Weren't Sure Of My Feelings This A.M.

Celebration - Kool & The Gang


Whoohoo!

01 September 2009

Whoop, whoop!

Lawn mowed and fertilized, carpets shampooed, school supplies divvied up, kitchen cleaned, laundry put away, school clothes picked out, dentist appointment kept (ew cavities; poor FB has my enamel), new hair color and cut, cat that, if he pisses on my hardwood floors one more time, is gonna be Dead Kitty Walkin', 36 pencils sharpened as requested by teacher, and 25 pounds of peaches still not canned. But school starts in 11 hours, so whoop, whoop!