At times, we as nurses, are afflicted with a major case of malapropism. For instance, my friend who once asked McDonald's to "circumcise," rather than "supersize," her meal. At a time at Major City Hospital when we had to add bleach to the labor tubs, run it through the jets, drain the tub and refill it before we could let a patient use it, she once told her patient's mother, "I just put the bitch in the tub," when said mother asked what was happening next in her daughter's labor. You see how this can lead us into some unusual conversations.
We have run into a flurry of malapropisms at Small Military Hospital, all in the last week. My absolute favorites:
When cleaning a patient up after a delivery and trying to put dry linen under her, my friend asked her to "Lift your bush." She meant "tush." My question was, in today's hairless society, did the patient know what she was talking about?
During discharge teaching, while talking to the patient about signs and symptoms of infection, another friend told the patient, "If you notice any pussy discharge..." She meant pus-y (i.e. like or pertaining to pus), although, technically, this phrasing was also accurate.
Last but not least, in talking to one of our OB/GYNs about some item of business, yet another friend was heard to exclaim, "Cooters to you!" In this case she meant "kudos," but I maintain this too is accurate phrasing and I intend to use it as the only appropriate way to greet him from now on.