28 August 2011

Moles have developed a rodent Disneyland in my front yard. They eschew the backyard because that is the territory of Knucklehead McSpazatron and The Crackhead, not to mention the large two footed mammals that seem to run roughshod on my property. The front yard, however, is fair game to the little vermin. I woke up the other day to find mole hills all over the front lawn, giving yet more ammunition to those HOA bastards as to what an unfit member of the neighborhood I really am. And so as not to have to scream "I'll cut a bitch!" the next time they send me a "Letter of Infraction" (and the fact that I actually do take some pride in my lawn),I decided this problem needed to be dealt with promptly.
At times, I have the same outlook on moles as Carl Spackler has for gophers:

I'm trying to be a kinder, gentler soul, so I didn't want to kill the moles per se, I just wanted to repel them. Preferably to the yard of one of the Homeowner Nazis, as I am a vindictive bitch. I noticed my local Home Depot carried a product called "Uncle Ian's Mole, Vole, Rabbit and Deer Repellent" that was safe for kids, dogs (hey, I have those!) and got some good reviews on its efficacy. Okily dokily, neighbor! I'll try it. I was very disturbed however, by the graphics on the packaging. It had a drawing of a mole, a vole, a rabbit, and this:

WHAT THE HELL??!!?? I've never seen a deer do that! And if I had, I can assure you, I wouldn't be looking to repel it, I'd be looking to get it and it's crazy assed, vampire looking self out of the same plane of existence as I! Who was the marketing director of this product and how much LSD were they on to give a green light on this packaging?

I looked to see what this repellent was made of and notice it was "89% Dried Blood."  Exsqueeze me?  What blood?  Who's blood?  Where did you get the blood?  And is that why the deer looks like that?  Does it repel  vampire deer because they only like their blood fresh and liquid?  I dunno.  So as I'm applying this product in the manner to which I was directed, all I could think of was this:

Nevertheless, despite my distaste of the ingredients and the freaky ass deer, that is some serious mole repellent.

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