27 September 2009

A Few Thoughts

He would have been 51 today. Four years and 12 days ago I was at work and got the phone call. On my rush home on darkened, deserted streets I didn't think about how I had just abandoned my patients with a yell over my shoulder to call another charge nurse to cover and another yell that, no I didn't need someone to drive me. I was thinking of how I left that day. I was impatient and short tempered. I was running late for work, the kids were fighting, I was trying to get everything situated for the night for our nephew Michael who watched Steve and the boys for me while I was at work. A large job for a 19 year old boy. I remember that Steve couldn't figure out how to turn the spoon over so he could eat and I had to feed him. This was a new and distressing development in his decline. I remember thinking, "Oh, shit. This isn't going to be too much longer." I didn't think it would be that day. I remember everything about that day so clearly, except the one thing that was most important. I was so hurried and so harried, I don't remember if I said "I love you." I said I'd see them in the morning, but did I look him in the eyes and tell him I loved him? I don't know. I know he knew, but it's something he needed to hear and I needed to say. Because I wouldn't be able to much longer. I wish I knew if I said it. So from that point on, I decided that I would say it to everyone I loved. My kids, my parents, those who hold the keys to my heart. If you feel it, say it, even if they don't feel it back. Unrequited love is okay, you know. At least you'll never have to regret a lost chance and they will know, no matter what else happens in their lives, there is someone who loves them. And that's important for everyone.

(I debated on this picture with the boys or the one where he's flipping me off on our honeymoon.  I was always "number one" to him!)


  1. Great reminder to us all not to take for granted that tomorrow will come.

    Sorry seems inadequate, so I'll say I'm really thinking. That sucks, I wish you and the boys had more time with him.

  2. Thanks for the thought; and yeah, it sucks ass that he couldn't see his boys grow up and have me harass his ass for 50 years.

    Funnily enough the songs I sing most during this time of the year are "If Tomorrow Never Comes" and "Wake Me Up When September Ends."


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