This post is for all you who think calling my cherubic, blonde-haired, blue-eyed son "Spawn of Satan" is a misnomer.
After a delightful morning in church where I was continuously amazed he didn't burst into flames as he put on an extraordinary demonstration of the wiles of a demon seed, and a fabulous mid-afternoon with him in his room, grounded for said display, SoS and NOS went outside after lunch to make the most of this very un-Pacific Northwest day playing in the sprinkler. I was cleaning up after lunch when cute and wet SOS came to the door:
"Mommy. I accidentally poopeded in the rocks."
Excuse me? "What?"
"I accidentally poopeded in the rocks."
"Did you poop your swim trunks?"
"No, in the rocks."
"NOS! How did he poop in the rocks?" (NOS explains while pantomiming pulling down his trunks and squatting.)
"WHAT?!? That's not an accident!!"
Cue enraged mom flinging hands above her head, losing her mind all over the kitchen, and further scarring her child's delicate psyche. Why did I reproduce without a complete genetics scan? Because this did not come from me. I defy anyone to find a little girl who would take a look at the pea gravel under the big toy 10 feet (!) from a bathroom and decide, "Hey. This would be a good place to take a dump!" Sorry. Ain't gonna happen.
Nothing for it of course, but to grab a wad of paper towels and clean it up. Good thing I'm a nurse and not a lot makes me hurl. I ask NOS where the load is and he points. Coincidentally, this is the same direction he is pointing the hose with the sprayer nozzle set on "interrogation." I come around the corner and he is hosing the turd. At this point the only thing that I can think to say is "Motherf--ker!" Loudly. In my head. This is not directed at my child, mind you, just the whole situation. There are times when that is the only word that will do.
"What are you doing?!?"
"I'm trying to clean it up."
"And do you see that it is actually making it worse?"
"Then why are you continuing to do it?"
I may have to start drinking heavily.
(I just realized it's the 28th anniversary of Mt. St. Helens. Maybe there is some cosmic/karmic disturbance in the Force.)