07 January 2009


There are a few pearls of wisdom I have gleaned either from or because of my grandma and the wisdom of her 81 years, 8 months and 19 days of life. Some them I have deduced myself from many long and varied conversations with her and some I learned by the flat of her hand or whatever was handy. Literally. So here are a few, with no particular reason or order of importance:

  • Do not stomp down the hall and slam the door to the bathroom in Grandma's house. She can see through solid objects and will open her can of whoop ass right when you are naked and about to get into the tub.
  • You can leave Grandma's house before daylight, be gone all day without word one to her, but if you've been fishing, by God those fish better be cleaned before you come back into the house.
  • If you catch a mess of smelt from the town sewage reclamation pond and freeze them for later, don't tell Grandma. At least not after she's eaten one.
  • She doesn't care if you've been skinny dipping because she did it all the time. But if you are off with that Barnett boy on the back of his snowmobile with a fifth of whiskey, you're gonna wish you hadn't. Even if you are with your best friend. And you're 13.
  • Raising three wild boys and one girly girl is a rough job.
  • Three wild boys will set a farm on fire.
  • Three wild boys will chop up their sister's doll with a hatchet just for fun.
  • Three wild boys will kick the crap out of anyone that messes with their sister...that includes their girlfriends.
  • If you and your cousin set fire to the aerosol can pile at the dump and large exploding fireballs land in the trees in logging country, causing every firetruck in town to come out for it, Grandma will know it was you no matter how much you deny it.
  • There is no golf shot that cannot be made with either a 3 wood or a putter.
  • No one in their right mind should be seen without their teeth in.
  • If Grandma had a hysterectomy at 29, you can forget about her feeling sympathy for you needing to buy "supplies" in a town of 500 people where everyone knows you on sight. Even if you are only 12.
  • If you mow the lawn without being told, Grandma will buy you a bottle of Night Train. And then take all the heat when your mom loses her shit.
  • Grandma will tell you all the way home from the bar that she has driven that road in her sleep and you really don't need to drive if you don't want to....even as she and Grandpa are strumming giant Zucchinis like guitars.
  • Grandma lived a full, rich life. And nothing is better than that.

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