My Niece Takes a Break From Skiing and Goes Curling

I know it's blurry, but it was through glass and they were in motion.  My point here is, see what I mean about the long legs?  No wonder she smoked my ass while we were running.

I went out with the girls last weekend to see Chelsea Handler in the Emerald City...a most excellent reason to wear my sparkly new shoes! We ate at The Cheesecake Factory, a place I've never been but that the girls love and visit quite often. I ordered the Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp, which had good flavor, don't get me wrong, but let me just say something here. If I order a dish that advertises itself as a "spicy Thai" or Vietnamese or Korean or any other culture's cuisine known for taking the paint off your tongue, could you at least put, I don't know, pepper in it? I ended up eating coconut flavored chicken and shrimp baby food. I didn't even have to take a deep breath, let alone break a sweat! I did have a compliment on my shoes, however. As I was sitting there, the cute little guy next to me leaned over and said, "Excuse me< but would you mind lifting up your foot so I can take a picture of your shoes?" Being the compliant and oh, so sweet natured person I am (okay, it was a weak moment) I acquiesced. Now I just hope I don't find my foot and shoe on some kinky fetish site. Not the way I want to become renown.

Walking out of restaurant we noticed a group of people milling around and talking excitedly. There was an enterprising young man out front advertising his wares (clickity-click to read):

I love this sign. I love that if you want a kiss without teeth (most of them) it's $20 more than with teeth. The rules are many and varied...obviously no time time to teach virgins to do things right, and it'll cost ya extra if you like someone to watch. Or if you want tongue. And just to make sure you know this guy is worth the cash, here's a memorable snap:

You can almost smell the "Eau de Night Train" from here can't you?  Obviously he has the experience to make your lessons well worth the price.  Nailing down the price may be difficult, as he appears to have a sliding scale, based, I'm sure, on some arbitrary value system.   Things that make you go..."ewwwwwwwww."  I took these photos and we started the hike up the hill to the theater when we heard shouting behind us. Never once stopping or turning to look, we wondered aloud, "Whatever can that be?" until we heard, "Hey! That's my livelihood! Hey! You need to pay me! Hey! How am I going to make a living?" The last inquiry led the Kiminator to offer the following sage advice: "Well, get a job." This was not received well as you can imagine. I believe he even called we fair flowers, what was it....?  Oh, yes, "assholes" while expressing his outrage that we were depriving him of his livelihood.  I mean, obviously, I disregarded the fact that he copyrighted that sign.  What am I, some kind of scofflaw??   For a moment, we thought he was going to chase us for the next four blocks. Apparently his outrage was inversely proportional to his stamina and cardiac fitness.  Good thing he's only selling kissing lessons.

The sidewalks of the Emerald City are hazardous to spike heels, especially if you time your step just right to put the heel cap in the crack of the sidewalk. I broke me heel! So I spent the next two hours walking up the hill to the theater, up three flights of stairs to my seat, down the same three flights, down the hill and across 4 blocks to the parking garage; all on my tip-toes. Unfortunately, the broken heel was on the leg that did not have the broken ankle, so all my weight was on the arthritic broken down leg. Coupled with all the running and Jillian Michaels (the bitch) I have been doing, I have been popping vicodin like tic tacs every night for a week. Better living through pharmacology is my motto!

I love the ridiculous. So much so, that I bought the Shake Weight. You remember the shake weight, right?

I have no problem spending 20 clams for something that ridiculous! The best part? The included exercise video shows this crazy eyed bat demonstrating how to use this thing and I quote, "The faster you go, the more intense it is." Well, that could be true for many experiences, couldn't it?

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??

The first time I saw this guy, I had the same look on my face as "Bones" McCoy. This is the perfect dramatization of what any reaction to this singing SHOULD be. (My apologies to anyone of the Russian persuasion for maligning a, possibly, favorite folk tune. Get help.)



via threedonia

I Know This Is A Little Ironic To Post This On A Blog. But It's Better Than A Link On Facebook

SoS wanted to snuggle and watch a movie tonight after Talent show practice. His choice was Ponyo, a trippy Japanese anime flick by the same guy who did Howl's Moving Castle and My Friend Totoro. It's based on The Little Mermaid (the Hans Christen Anderson version, not the Disney one), and the first scene is underwater involving a fish that looks like a giant vulva with undulating labia. I think I've been doing my job too long. I had to wash the weirdness out of my brain with Casablanca

Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.
Major Strasser: We have a complete dossier on you: Richard Blaine, American, age 37. Cannot return to his country. The reason is a little vague. We also know what you did in Paris, Mr. Blaine, and also we know why you left Paris.
[hands the dossier to Rick]
Major Strasser: Don't worry, we are not going to broadcast it.
Rick: [reading] Are my eyes really brown?

*snerk*

Showed the longboarding vid at work for those who aren't on Facebook or read my blog (what??? the Deuce, you say!), and was chastised by a crotchety yahoo for thinking my children getting injured was funny. They hardly bled and they even thought the video was worth a laugh; lighten up! (Pssst! I think someone needs to get laid. And for once, I'm not referring to myself!)

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Sorry I'm a little YouTube-y. The bag pipes appeal to my Scottish blood...and I like the song. "Thorazine shuffle" indeed.

The Boys Go Longboarding

I watch this over and over and I laugh hysterically every time. Nice, Mom.

Does it freak anyone else out that when you write/respond to an email in Gmail, suddenly there are advertisements that are related to whatever you wrote about? Big Brother, anyone? How can people look you dead in the eye, tell you they lost custody of their previous two children and then say, "But don't worry; it wasn't for anything bad." Yes, because you usually lose custody for say, not keeping the child's toenails sufficiently short so as not to put holes in his/her socks. Do you know that Iron Maiden is coming here in June and my concert going pal is in Bahrain? And knocked up? I think she should fly here and expose that child to the finer things in life at an early age. Do you know how much I love getting into the middle of a family fight in my patient's room that ends up with me having to call security and then calling the arresting officer from the night before to get an unbiased accounting of whether the sperm donor can be on site or not? And how the whole incident didn't even phase me? I'm pretty positive I have a reserved table in hell for making fun of our client base and that doesn't stress me at all. I'll be in good company.

Sex? Read My Lips

A lipstick that changes colors when you've got the horn dog on..no more guessing fellas; she's ready! And now women can be made just uncomfortable in public as men during an ill-timed arousal. Equality now!

Sex? Read My Lips - Sex | Erectile Dysfunction | Sexual Health - FOXNews.com

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Anything Worth Having Is Worth A Fight/ You've Got To Kick At the Darkness 'Til It Bleeds Daylight

As I was mowing the lawn today (damn early spring!) my iPod fortuitously shuffled some great songs into my ears. One of those was Crazy Bitch, but these are the ones I thought I'd share.
The title of the post is my favorite lyric from one of my favorite songs. I didn't post the original video because it drips with 1980s cheese, and I thought it would detract from the song. (Stop this one after the singing.)

It was covered by The Barenaked Ladies, and they did a great job, but I posted this version because not many people know Bruce Cockburn.


Another great cover (by The Killers) of a song with a horrible '80s video on the original. The music starts at 1:30.

I know it was Dire Straits song first, but I seem to like this one better. Fickle, I know. "All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme."

Alice Cooper and Muppets

This, my friends, is why The Muppet Show will always be cool!

Last but not least:

Hell yes, I have this on my iPod. And I sing it at the top of my lungs, thus cementing my nerdly status.

I dropped the kids off at the school bus and decided to try someplace new to run with Knucklehead McSpazatron as the weather has finally been Pacific Northwest like, the woods are just a giant mud hole, and I have no desire to wash the dog today. The Maritime City has extended the Cushman trail and the trail head for Phase Two is near my house. So, I thought to myself, "Self? Let us go check this puppy out; it will be a refreshing change of scenery, not to mention be nice not to look like we've been four wheeling instead of running." Well, it would have been, except there is no way in hell I'm running that part of the trail. It has no less than three 8% grades and two 10%. I have had cars that had difficulties making those inclines; I'm sure as shit not going to do it. It's sheer laziness, I admit it. I'm not afraid of working out hard, but I really see no reason to hurt as bad as that sucker would make me. I power walked it and didn't stop, even though the park benches beckoned provocatively. Actually, the only thing I thought about those benches was, "Why are they on an incline? Couldn't the city have built up the ground or made one leg longer that the other so you could sit on a level surface if you so desired?" Engineer's daughter, what can I say? At least Knucklehead McSpazatron got enough of a workout to satisfy him for the next hour while I clean the car. An hour and a half of trotting up and down hills did it for him, but tomorrow we may head back into the woods.

Hello, I'm Peter Graves

Rest well, Peter. This may be my favorite of your movies. Well, that and Airplane

I finished reading this last night (when I should have been sleeping because I was on call at 0300 and would lose an hour anyway due to that whole spring forward jazz).  You will notice, on the side bar over there, a link to Kaboom which leads....exactly nowhere.  Blog not found is the message that pops up.  Kaboom was a blog written by LT G during his deployment to Iraq as a Scout platoon leader.  LT G's blog was shut down, not because he violated OPSEC or any flagrant transgression that would put him or his men in danger.  He was shut down for declining a position that would take him away from his men, and a job he did well; a job that made a difference.  And then he wrote about it, which would not have been a problem except LT G forgot, this one time, to run the posting by his captain, which is required for a blog to be allowed by the military.  Which is why a lot of blog authors write under pseudonyms, especially while active duty.  It's a little less restrictive, not that any of these military authors would violate OPSEC.  Some of the best blogs I've read have been by The Usual Suspect, Mudpuppy, LT Nixon, Big Tobacco...hardly the names bestowed by their loving mamas on the day of their births.  Because LT G was a sanctioned blog, his oversight gave the powers that be the power to shut him down.  Luckily the good LT (then Captain, now separated from the Army) did not stop writing.  So, this little gem has a few familiar stories from the blog-that-was, but also covers a lot that he was unable to write about as well as what happened after he could no longer post. 

Matt Gallagher's writing is at turns, humorous, painful, thoughtful, and shocking.  Give it try.  He's worth it.

The Sniper comes through again.

Happy Celebrating!

Today is national Steak and a BJ day!  So, enjoy the festivities!  Of course around here, if I were celebrating, we'd just call it Sunday.  Heh. Heh heh.  Heh.

Heeheeeheeeheee!

A Representation of How We All Feel From Time to Time

This was sent to me in an email, oh so long ago, I re-found it, and it seems appropriate for my week:

Because of my predilection for all movies creepy and gruesome, I was thrilled when I first saw the trailer for The Crazies. I was informed, by a very reliable source, that The Crazies was a remake of a incredibly terrible George Romero film by the same name.  A film, my source continued, that was more on par with the films of Ed Wood, i.e. not up to Romero's usual standard.  "But the trailer looks so good, so incredibly creepy, so fanTAStic!" I thought to myself.  This must be a much better film than the original.  So, disregarding the wisdom of my source, who, I might mention, is usually never wrong in cases like these, I took my little hinder off to the matinee.  (Which around these parts is $7.75; don't get me started on that crap!)  After all, Rotten Tomatoes gave it 71%!  The source must be off his game.  Yeah, not so much.  There were a few jumpy, creepy parts, but for the most part I laughed and scoffed.  It may have had something to do with the hackneyed plot of evil plan from the military- industrial complex.  Yawn.  However, Timothy Olyphant is hot in this flick (a surprise as I did not find him so in Live Free or Die Hard; I don't know maybe it was the blonde hair).  To make up for this fiasco, I had to rent some movies from the local video store.  I rented Surrogates, (so, I'm behind the times, sue me), a fine little film called Carriers (kind of a morality play within a plauge with Chris Pine...also hot), and OMG!  Dead Snow!!!!1!!!  I was wandering around waiting for SoS to make a decision, holding onto Surrogates and Carriers and some chick flick I didn't think I would like, but everyone else loved, and I saw the zombie Nazi head coming out of the snow from the corner of my eye.  I almost wet 'em!  I practically threw said chick flick back onto the shelf and glommed onto that case faster than a zombie on a juicy, hamstrung, fat man.  (Remember the rules of Zombieland...#1-Cardio!)  It's not often you can watch a zombie movie with subtitles.

Wow.  Ally Sheedy is on the season ender for Psych.  And looking a little psych-o.  'Course, she had that look through most of her films, especially St Elmo's Fire and Short Circuit. 

Am I the only one whose knees hurt when they haven't worked out in a few days?  Maybe my synovial fluid decreases with inactivity.  Weird.  Also, my gums itch if I eat popsicles.  I eat them, I enjoy them, and then for 20 minutes I want to scratch my gums right next to my teeth.  Yeah, I could probably use some pharmaceutical of the psychoactive variety.  Speaking of which, how do these companies advertising all manner of free controlled substances, find me?  I even got a text on my phone. I'm not so bad that it's floating on the ether out there...I'm not Virg, schlepping from one pharmacy to the next in Mexico refilling her apothecary table for pete's sake! 

Woman charged in breast milk assault on jailer - Boston.com

Woman charged in breast milk assault on jailer - Boston.com
She was arrested for public intoxication but while she was changing into her inmate uniform, she squirted breast milk at the matron. So now she's facing a felonious assault on a police officer charge. Good going, Kentucky. Are you sure you don't want to move to Florida?
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In Light of the Iraqi Elections, I Give You the Most Awesome Captain Kirk EVAH

pilfered from doubleplusundead
Patriotism AND Captain Kirk??? I'm in heaven here!

Look-y, look-y, look-y!

My most excellent new shoes!  What you can't see is the heel caps are ruby too.  So I've got good sweet Dorothy mixed with the Wicked Witch of the East's striped stockings.  I love these bad boys and I can't wait to wear them out!  BOOYAH!

On another note, I've been coughing my brains out and living on Delsym, which hasn't done a whole lot for me.  "What I really need," thinks I, "is some guaifenesin with codeine.  That would put a major kibosh on this whole hacking-my-lungs-up thing."  Alas, alackady, there is a dearth of guaifenesin with codeine cough syrup in my house.  But,  I did have Mucinex, which is guaifenesin.  And hey, I have Percocet!  That's nearly the same thing!  All I'm looking for is a good night's sleep...and I do believe I've found it.

PS:  are those not the most bitchin' shoes?!?

It's Tough Being a Cat In My House

This is what the Cat from Hell did all day today while Knucklehead McSpazatron had to run all over the woods with me.  Rough gig.

Say what now?

Ya know, I'm packin' a little heat, and I sleep just fine. How big would your tits have to be to disrupt your slumber? And I'd have to be experiencing some major psychosis related to sleep deprivation to pay $55 for the sucker!

One Of The Songs In My Running Playlist

Happily, this shuffled into my run this morning...as I misread the map and ended up hell and gone from where I thought I would be. Nothing like getting lost in the woods next to a prison with a maximum security wing. Ah, well that's what the dog is for. Something about this song...wish I had real video for it.

Sign That I Was Destinied To Be The Mother of Boys

I stood in the kitchen with the refrigerator door open as I drank kefir straight from the bottle, contemplated how long that cobweb hanging from the light had actually been there, yet not making an effort to do anything about it.  I then put the bottle back, closed the fridge, ignored the dishes in the sink that should go in the dishwasher and went upstairs, where I have wasted time on the computer for the last 2 hours.  Good night y'all.