24 March 2010

I went out with the girls last weekend to see Chelsea Handler in the Emerald City...a most excellent reason to wear my sparkly new shoes! We ate at The Cheesecake Factory, a place I've never been but that the girls love and visit quite often. I ordered the Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp, which had good flavor, don't get me wrong, but let me just say something here. If I order a dish that advertises itself as a "spicy Thai" or Vietnamese or Korean or any other culture's cuisine known for taking the paint off your tongue, could you at least put, I don't know, pepper in it? I ended up eating coconut flavored chicken and shrimp baby food. I didn't even have to take a deep breath, let alone break a sweat! I did have a compliment on my shoes, however. As I was sitting there, the cute little guy next to me leaned over and said, "Excuse me< but would you mind lifting up your foot so I can take a picture of your shoes?" Being the compliant and oh, so sweet natured person I am (okay, it was a weak moment) I acquiesced. Now I just hope I don't find my foot and shoe on some kinky fetish site. Not the way I want to become renown.

Walking out of restaurant we noticed a group of people milling around and talking excitedly. There was an enterprising young man out front advertising his wares (clickity-click to read):
I love this sign. I love that if you want a kiss without teeth (most of them) it's $20 more than with teeth. The rules are many and varied...obviously no time time to teach virgins to do things right, and it'll cost ya extra if you like someone to watch. Or if you want tongue. And just to make sure you know this guy is worth the cash, here's a memorable snap:
You can almost smell the "Eau de Night Train" from here can't you?  Obviously he has the experience to make your lessons well worth the price.  Nailing down the price may be difficult, as he appears to have a sliding scale, based, I'm sure, on some arbitrary value system.   Things that make you go..."ewwwwwwwww."  I took these photos and we started the hike up the hill to the theater when we heard shouting behind us. Never once stopping or turning to look, we wondered aloud, "Whatever can that be?" until we heard, "Hey! That's my livelihood! Hey! You need to pay me! Hey! How am I going to make a living?" The last inquiry led the Kiminator to offer the following sage advice: "Well, get a job." This was not received well as you can imagine. I believe he even called we fair flowers, what was it....?  Oh, yes, "assholes" while expressing his outrage that we were depriving him of his livelihood.  I mean, obviously, I disregarded the fact that he copyrighted that sign.  What am I, some kind of scofflaw??   For a moment, we thought he was going to chase us for the next four blocks. Apparently his outrage was inversely proportional to his stamina and cardiac fitness.  Good thing he's only selling kissing lessons.

The sidewalks of the Emerald City are hazardous to spike heels, especially if you time your step just right to put the heel cap in the crack of the sidewalk. I broke me heel! So I spent the next two hours walking up the hill to the theater, up three flights of stairs to my seat, down the same three flights, down the hill and across 4 blocks to the parking garage; all on my tip-toes. Unfortunately, the broken heel was on the leg that did not have the broken ankle, so all my weight was on the arthritic broken down leg. Coupled with all the running and Jillian Michaels (the bitch) I have been doing, I have been popping vicodin like tic tacs every night for a week. Better living through pharmacology is my motto!

I love the ridiculous. So much so, that I bought the Shake Weight. You remember the shake weight, right?

I have no problem spending 20 clams for something that ridiculous! The best part? The included exercise video shows this crazy eyed bat demonstrating how to use this thing and I quote, "The faster you go, the more intense it is." Well, that could be true for many experiences, couldn't it?


  1. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww to the kissing asshole. And can you fix them???????

  2. I'm hoping so. They just came off at the base of the shoe. Unfortunately, the town cobbler is no longer in business, so now I'm on the search for one that is semi convenient.


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